Maria's Voice

Maria just wrote this, and it's so much more empowering than the self-help book she recommended.

I think the real question is: What do you want? This is the question we left each other at. What does it matter what I want if you want nothing at all? After our last big fight, I can no longer reassure you that I want to be with you. Had you said this just hours earlier I would've replied differently. But, you're right, like you said, this fighting is excruciating. Frankly, I am so tired. I am so drained and I don't see an existing resolution if the efforts are one-sided. By that, I also mean that I am aware that I have been taking the blame for the most part. But relationship problems are a result of two ignorant and neglecting parties. I don't feel that I necessarily need to redeem myself because I know that when I had the knowledge, I did everything I could or gave you your space. I have been supportive, caring, and considerate to the best of my ability. If you are serious about getting back together, we have to work together in order to work independently from each other. This requires communication and compromise from both ends. You have to open up to me. I want you to be upfront and honest because if you're going to play these childish, selfish games with me... if you are merely with me because you are lonely or scared you can't do better... if this is going to be short-lived then I don't want it. Because I have simply run out of steam. I have got nothing to run on. My own determination so apparently, increasingly futile in every attempt exists in wind-swept ashes. If you're looking for any form of re-kindling, I urge you to look to yourself first. When you can humble yourself enough to love another and provide the basic, most essential level of respect (which is just barely enough, but a start) then that's when you know you are ready. In the meantime, I've already begun my path to a healthier lifestyle, regardless of your reply. I know what I want now: someone that is geniuine, respectful, caring, willing to face the world and his problems unabashedly, and enduring. I want someone that will be there for me and love me despite my flaws, which, if anything, is so characterstic of being human. I want someone that will love me even at my worst. Fundamentally, I want reciprocity. I want someone that wants to do all the things I want to do for him because we are so equally wild about each other. If this isn't you, so be it. I am not scared of fate or what is to come. I know that if I holdfast to what I want I will eventually find the person that is right for me: my best friend, my soulmate, and, definitely, my lover. I am so completely honest with you in hopes that you will reciprocate my actions. To my knowlege, problems stem from a lack of communication and honesty. I figure it is only just that I tell you what it is I see, and the way things have been going, I see nothing. I cannot apologize for the both of us, take all the blame for the both of us; it is back-breaking and over-bearing. As much as I want to say that it'll work, upon reflection of our relationship, it had become almost purely physical. Me -- your whore. You -- relentless, oftentimes than most, when you had no reason to be insecure, but I can see why you're bored and wanted more. I am sad to admit that at that point I was that person -- self-depreciating, morose, relatively dependant. Maybe I'm the one that's not ready to be in any relationship at all. The lines between school and life tend to blur. And taking 5 classes, working 2 jobs, trying to be a good friend and relieve my own stress to retain my sanity is straining enough. When I was with you, I didn't want to think, I just wanted to be. I'll admit that it's much different than summer, I can't be all fun and games because it is not within me. When I was being inconsiderate, I didn't want to hear your problems either. But I would much rather know what's going on rather than spending at least two-hundred times the energy and time worrying and fighting. It's like fighting in the dark, blind and deaf. As for my friends, that is not within your right. I may have let you think that when I chose you over Steven, but that is not the case. That is way, over-the-top controlling. You can voice your concern, and frequently if you feel the need if it will avoid unnecessary fighting. While I recognize these faults, I currently have no particular stance. I miss you, but I would miss you either way. If I am lost this time, it is forever. This is not a threat, it is a fact.